Will The Real Me, Please Stand Up!

I quit drunkorexia because I noticed that when I barely eat anything during the day and the "stressful" day was done, I will drink a glass of wine, still hardly eating, I will become "myself," or so I thought. I will become the smart, intelligent woman who speak but If I don't have the "wine courage," I'm quiet.

When I'm the "me" only I know and want, or so I thought, people would ask, "What's wrong? You barely speak. Are you okey?" Instead of saying, "Yes, of course! I'm just enjoying life. Enjoying listening and watching you in my experience." But I don't, because that's just weird, and I've been called weird too often.

But, then I begin to wonder, maybe there is something wrong with me because am I expected to blabber and blame this one, criticize that one, or judge those, or teach others from the many lessons I received.

The past few years I chose the one that's "me" who will teach because I chose years ago never to blame, judge, argue, or criticize again, so teaching the same became "me."

So, then I take the second glass of wine and the words, the low self esteem, and the wisdom flows easily with no inhibitions holding that "me," the one I thought I became, and before you know it, by the third glass I'm done, and just have to go sleep! Sleep, yes sleep! The only place I enjoy but an ability hard to achieve.

But, then the next morning I notice the scale looks good, clothes fit well, and I think I have a winning combination of a cheese, crackers, and wine diet.

Then I realized, when I'm with my girls they force me to begin with a breakfast, then have lunch, and when dinner arrives, I don't want that glass of wine but still take it, in search of that "me" but nothing.

Recognizing that the old passive "me" is back with no voice. Knowing from my own teachings that If I go quiet, I will find that "real me." But then, all I found was a house full of roommates.

I recognized the drunkorexia me, the passive me, my guide, even others but still no "soul me." That one stays quiet, observing all the guests in the house and I ask a question to tell who will speak and wonder, "Why would I want to listen to the "other" voice?" You see, I don't care what you have to say, and I certainly don't care what anyone else has to say anymore! By now seriously thinking there is something wrong with me! The "quiet" has left the house!

Still begging, "How do I find that "me" that will fit into the structure of beliefs and noise." How do I find that "me" who will be okay with witnessing young souls been molded to live in fear. Join back in? Then which "me" is better?

The one who finds a job again, drink the wine and eat only crackers, who look and speak well or the passive "me" who allow all and fit back in, or create that new "me" who take up a RV to travel through all states alone, and detox from all toxins.

But what are all the toxins? My girls disrespect, my wine and crackers, young souls who I have no say in being taught their own room full of roommates to come, or three meals a day to be forced in buying bigger clothes, or traveling alone to face fear, and taking one day as it comes, missing seeing those I love grow up.

Will that "other me" come out and tell me now? Or, who is this talking, writing this, recognizing all the me within me? Will I find you in the quiet who left the house, or will I find you in fear alone in an RV?

So will the real me please stand up because the next chapter in my life is to begin soon, I hope...