All of Me

Coming into this world forgetting where I’m from was and is the hardest part for me. So, trying to figure out who I am and what my story is, I wrote this piece, and as an assignment, had to record it... Forgive all the mistakes but I know many of you in this group will get what I'm trying to say... Who can relate?

All Of Me ~ My Story and I'm Sticking to it...

I must admit, playing the role of Yvonne Cloete, is the hardest part

I’ve ever played. Only because, I forgot why I created this part. I forgot the script I decided to come play out.

Then, when I look at actresses like Scarlet Johansen, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston, just a few of my favorites, I think, “Man, I want to be just like her, or her, no her!” But then I realize, I feel fake because it’s not me.

So to feel less fake, I seriously opt-out of wearing fake eyelashes, fake nails, even too much make-up. Although I can’t let the hair dye go, must hide the gray, besides, who wants to play the role of an old person?

All this, wanting to feel real, and not this fake character, I created to fit in.

If I look back at my life, I can see all the Yvonne’s I created so well, since I forgot, why I came to play in the first place, where I aimlessly walked through a poor little girl’s life in South Africa, who can barely remember any of her childhood upbringing, who eventually created a fairy tale wedding, to become a wife, a mother, a grandmother. Exactly as the Royals showed us how it’s supposed to be done, in this fake world.

I even added divorced, single, psychic, medium, Ph.D. Candidate, Flight Attendant, to name just a few prominent tags to my created role play. To no avail, I can assure you, as none, make me feel more real, or me.

Then who is this me? That one, underneath all these characters, I created so well with the same name.

I lived through this me, for more than 57 years, surely I should begin to feel or know her by now? “Will the real Slim Shady please standup!” When will the “real Yvonne” for me stand up? When will I stop feeling fake?

If I listen to all that I’ve studied, researched, read, and searched for, I learned, I am more than me. Then where is this me? So, I continue to meditate to feel less fake and to find that real me.

The more I meditate, the more calm and at peace I become, but when I’m back from the silence, I still feel I’m just playing a role that I forgot so badly how to play, that my jokes sound awful, my small talk is plain awkward, and no matter which role I step into, with the same name, the one of mother, grandmother, friend, social media avatar, acquaintance, friend, colleague, all, yes all, is the sum of me.

So when I meet you, I want to tell you all of me because how can I leave out a small part of me, because then it won’t be me, but then, I can’t tell you all of me, or you will think less of me. Then, I rather go quiet, and create another fake me, because I am not, just quiet or not, just very talkative. I am both. Again, who is the real me?

All these little parts of me, however fake it feels, is me! It is who I’ve become, making up a script as I go.

If I change my hair color, or my style of clothes, or my job, or my profession, my taste, my country, it’s because I’ve realized, I can create any role I want, I can be whoever I want to be, and play it out, however, I choose. Because, this place, where I find myself in, every morning, when I wake up, is a place where I can be, whoever I want to be!

I get to choose who I want to be. If you get to meet the talkative one or the silent one, neither is fake or real, just me, but the odds are, you might meet the deep talkative one, who will talk all of that, which is hidden, only because who knows, what is real and what is fake!

So here I am, all of me...